Friday, November 15, 2013

Uh Oh, Emotional Temperature Taking Going On


Oh God, I'm sitting here texting with Shelley about the perils and pains of dating.

What a good friend she is.

This dating thing is a drag. I had the longest 30 minutes of my life last Sunday with someone I couldn't connect with on any damn topic.

And I'm not hard to talk to.

I've accepted another coffee date after work tomorrow, and me on a Saturday, after 9 hours of work is not a pretty sight.

But she's been so persistent, I agreed.

What I would really like to do is to hunker down and talk about how crazy internet dating really is.

Laugh about bad dates, talk about lost mates and how to heal a broken heart.

But I don't think that is the brief.

I suspect I'm not 100% ready for another relationship. I seem to have one foot in the past and one foot in the future. This leaves me balancing precariously in the present.

As the days get shorter and the holidays loom, my sense of self is veering toward sad.

I have often heard how emotions are magnified during the season of merriment. Now I'm feeling them.

I have cooked and eaten Thanksgiving dinner with family, GG's family, but they felt like mine too, for the past 8 years.

But not this year. And that is hard. Yes, Mr.Baby and parents would have come if I was cooking, but I'm not into cooking this year, at least not in my house.

Of course I'm invited to dinner with friends, I'm not alone here. But I seem to be having a hard time whipping up the proper enthusiasm.

I allowed myself to wallow in the feelings for a while, then this morning I signed up as a volunteer to help prepare and /or serve dinner on Thanksgiving to those who need more than a good date.

I'm hoping that being of service to others will help me experience some gratitude.

And isn't that what the holiday is all about?  Well, besides the turkey and the pies and the cats...


 
Thank you for listening. And don't say I didn't warn you!

32 comments:

  1. It takes at least 2-3 years to mend a broken heart. Until then no-one will be right for you. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen sooner, but I have known dozens of people on this merry-go-round. They may play pop goes the weasel, but it's far from merry. Volunteering is a great idea. No sense in forcing yourself to feel holiday-ish.

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    1. Two or three years? Jesus. But I don't have to act as if? Thank god.

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  2. Wise decision, Jane. Sometimes seeing people with less puts it all in perspective and helps us feel thankful for what we have. I just watched Luisa in a video. She's small and charming. You might like it. http://www.thewednesdaychef.com/the_wednesday_chef/2013/11/an-evening-in-new-york.html For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with hunkering down and talking about how crazy internet dating is, laughing about the bad dates, and talking about healing a broken heart. You will meet someone who feels the same way, it just might take a little bit of time. Take care of yourself, okay? A nice bath tonight? xx, Denise

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    1. Good action suggestions. I'm going to run a bath and watch the video while it fills up.

      xo

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  3. I don't have the answers, but at times like this, it's good to hang out with friends from the other side.Or so I'm told. I was often the play-date companion for one or other of my men friends whose men friends had ended the partnership(s).
    Or you could have a crack at my ginger cake.Here's a link to the recipe

    http://moreidlethoughts.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/ginger-cake-recipe-for-my-html-saviours/

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    1. You are a sweetie! I ate half the apple cake.God only knows what I'll do with this one!

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  4. I think you holiday plan sounds like a good one...seriously most of the time I feel horrible for complaining about my problems when there are people who would say that I don't know what real problems are. I have volunteered before at the shelters and they were some of the best nights of my life....truly great people. and, you never know who might also be there trying to balance her life in the present as well. :)

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    1. Thank you Sarah. I have never volunteered before. every year it crosses my mind and every year I am too busy. If not now, when? Just hope I'm accepted. haven't heard back yet.

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  5. The time change/winter darkness doesn't help either. I know this must be a busy time of year at work for you or I'd suggest a complete change of scenery for the holidays. I'm really in no position to advise, but when I''m depressed it's hard to make myself do anything, but when I do, whether it's take a walk, go to a museums, see a movie or concert (by myself sometimes) I'm always glad I did. One day at a time, my friend. And maybe have something nice on the calendar each day. Small treats.

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    1. Thank you, I will try and do so. And no, to have the sun completely set by 5:30 is a total bummer. But one day at a time I will live through it like everyone else does. Luckily for me I have flowers to work with 5 days a week and football on the 7th. We can do this!

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  6. What everyone else said! And keep writing about it. I enjoy reading a realistic version of a life instead of one that is a stage set. ; ) Hugs to you and the furry ones. And a friendly wave to S-man.

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    1. If the furry ones ever come in I will give them big hugs, from both of us. And thank you for the encouragement. if I can't keep it real, I can't blog.

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    2. Hey you,
      I agree totally with Donatella in encouraging you to "keep it real" emotionally on this amazing blog. Some of them are so candy-coated & supposedly just perfect, that ... well, let's jusy say their authenticity is a bit suspect, ok? Didnt you tell us there is a small Episcopal Church in your area? T'giving services are usu. @ 10 and there is often a communal potluck meal afterwards. Peace be with you, buddy. And every single one of these responses is a joy to read & a keeper. Know that you are loved, Mizz Jane!
      Big Hugs,
      Diane in Denver

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    3. Oops, make that "just" and 10 a.m., of course. Pbwy, Diane

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  7. Oh Jane, pretend merry is no fun. Mending and recalibrating takes its own time, and is hard to hurry along I guess. I hope you find lots of unexpected smiles and warmth and fat dollops of hope in the next wee while. Biggest hugs. xxx

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    1. Thank you Belinda. as ever I'm finding it right here:-) Thank god for blogland.

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    2. Hi Belinda,
      just wanted to say, "fat dollops of hope" is a great phrase. thanks so much for the lively writing.
      Diane

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  8. I don't think I could have said it better. I can completely relate to having a foot in the past and one in the future. After 6+ years my heart is still broken and although most of the time I'm not thinking about it, the holidays seems to take over the progress I've made. I do have family here which is nice, but half of me is always wondering what the family I lost is doing. Good luck with the dating. You're braver than me.

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    1. Well if you want to change it up and change your thinking, you can come to Virginia for the holidays!

      Brave or fool hearty? Brave I think. Living on the far reach of my comfort zone is new for me.

      Good luck to both of us.

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  9. I've had to adjust my romantic expectation for the holidays. I agree with Chania in the sense that you're still in a normal period of loss but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holidays. Maybe making plans that are totally different than what you might normally do so you're not in a situation where you're missing something. Reach out and make plans to get together with friends to make dinner, watch a holiday movie, decorate a tree. Maybe it will start a new tradition.

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    1. Oh my poor friends who thought they were done with putting the lights on my tree and helping to decorate.....reinstate a holiday tradition I think. But you're right and I will feel my way through these next two months. Thanks buddy. xo

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  10. Splendid idea to help others on Thanksgiving. I think there is so much pressure at the holidays, that it might be good to take a break from dating and putting pressure on yourself. Enjoy the company of good friends and just spend time on your own doing the things you enjoy. You sound like such a lovely woman, one day you will find your mate.

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    1. I think you're right! And thank you :-)

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  11. Oh Jane, it makes me sad to read how you are feeling. Doing something different, especially something you have been wanting to do, for Thanksgiving is a great idea. My yoga teacher read this to the class one day (and I have it on my desk so I can read it every day): "If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul." XO, Christa

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  12. Unfortunately this time of year makes us feel our losses more I think. It is tough but I know you have friends close by who care about you and spending time with them will make things easier. As far as the dating if you're not ready then you're not ready, no sense in forcing it it'll just make you feel worse, the time will come and it'll probably surprise you. Just because you're not in a romantic relationship right now doesn't mean you're alone, you'll get through this. You are essentially a positive happy person, it's in your nature, this is merely a bump in the road.

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  13. Dear Jane, you have so many blogging friends who think the world of you because you open your heart to us and express both happiness and sadness, not to mention humour, that we all relate to. I don't know a thing about dating, it's back in the mists of time for me, but I do think the important thing is to travel hopefully so that you create the possibility of making a brand new, wonderful relationship. And I hope it happens for you soon!

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  14. Oh, Jane, I felt for you, reading this! Just allow yourself the time to heal, stay open to possibilities, and remember always that everything passes - but that the timetable isn't set in stone. Lean on your friends during the tough times - that's what they're for, just as you are for them - and don't lose hope. Sending warmest wishes. x

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  15. Remember to take the time to think about how rich you are with friends that surround you. Dates will come, don't force it ... you will KNOW when it is right.

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  16. These feelings will pass, I agree with Hartwood Roses and what she says about forcing dates.
    Sending positive feelings for you from Spain.

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  17. Thinking of you. This is a tough time of year for many people. Be kind to yourself, cuddle a cat and hang on in there. Good things will come, often when you least expect them.

    Jan x

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  18. Doesn't make it any easier to hear this, but I've been there (probably most of us have been at some point), and you are right. It sucks. But as so many others have said, it just takes time. However much time it takes. I've also been through the internet dating thing, and hard as it may be to believe right now - it will provide fodder for many hysterical stories in the future! I wish you all the best for the upcoming holiday. May it be peaceful, if not entirely happy yet.
    xo, karin

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  19. I certainly identify on the internet dating scene. I have had some 'interesting' experiences! I realised I wasn't ready and gave it a miss and now am content alone for the present. Trying to replace someone special is not easy. Things do get better Jane. I hope your happy future is not far away xx

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